The Independent

Set out before them, rows of luck.

Mary, keeps locks of all her grandchildren’s hair
Tied in different colored ribbons
On each corner of her cards
And with one number left to fill,
Begins to wave them frantically in the air
Like a beckoning war bride to a departing ship.

Oscar, keeps his purple heart pressed so firmly in his hand
An imprint can be clearly seen
When he waves his arms in motions of disgust—
This occurs often.
“Damn ball jockey, O62 woulda set me up!”

Elizabeth, by her telling,
Has been clinically dead for the better part of the century
Lords over a table of cards.
Rules with an iron fist and
A purple “Super Bingo” dobber.

It’s been said that more praying goes on in this church on bingo night
Than on ten sundays combined.

I20
The smells are distinctly Catholic
Holy water and incense
Try but fail to cut through the aroma of
Cheap cigarettes, chili dogs and AquaNet hairspray.
The chosen armor for battle is head scarves in a variety of floral prints,
Valor in all the colors of the rainbow,
Shapeless elastic band jeans,
Ball caps, always embellished with pins of the trade,
“Bingo players have got balls!”
“I brake for bingo!”
“Bingo players do it by the numbers.”

Marie epitomizes bingo.
Not only in dress and attitude,
But also in the way she caresses her cards,
Like an attentive mother to a skinned knee.
Bent in a manner that hints a case of osteoporosis,
She shuts herself into a world of letters and numbers….
Always keeping the seat next to her empty.
Her good luck charm passed away two years ago.

G50
I broke my bingo cherry when I was twenty-three.
A late bloomer by some standards,
But under my grandmother’s advice, I recklessly purchased a box of Bingo Chips from the local 5 and Dime.
I could almost feel the lure of easy money breathing through the box.
How hard could it be to win?
It was a simple game of chance.
If you are lucky, you win.
I remember thinking the same thing about relationships.
Mine usually lasted about as long
As a game of Cover-All, and now, alone again,
I unfold my chair and size up the competition.
My ten cards to Louie’s twenty-three.
I smile at him, conveying the creed
That all bingo players live by.
“It’s not the number of cards you have, but the numbers that are called.”

G53… G53.
In life, there should be a free space.
Just a little something
To make getting to the end
A bit more easy.

O61… O61.
With every number that is called
A new level of tension forms.
On the edge of an uncomfortable seat,
All sharing the same thoughts,
“I need this money more than anyone here! Hail Mary…. Hail Mary!”
An occasional “Our Father,” thrown in for good measure.
I25
I’m know at the large table of women as “her.”
“There’s something wrong with a girl so young spending her Saturday nights here.”
Just looking for my free space.
Surrounded by those who build their lives around a game
And finding that we have more in common
Than they’ll ever know.

N36… N36
A chorus of “Ahhhh, shit!” rings out in unison.
She turns towards me,
Revealing large neon pink lips
And whispers her content for Jane Levey,
The shapely senior sitting directly in front of us.
“Notice how she wins at least $50.00 every Saturday? Notice how she eyes Father Kalley? I’ve seen the Thornbirds! You don’t have to tell me what’s going on here.”
I don’t ask.
She does intrigue me, though.
I often wonder how one goes from birth to sitting, cursing another Because they are one bingo chip ahead of them.

B6, B6
Mark would never be caught dead
Playing bingo on a saturday night
Instead opting to rent “A Clock Work Orange,”
And act as though he had even the vaguest comprehension of what was before him,
“Do you think the woman is meant to be a Christ figure?”
Remembering he’d asked the same question
About a character on Green Acres,
I’d simply nod, half-yes, half-no,
Never knowing quite what he wanted to hear….
For a long time I thought my number had finally come up.
I would be the one to stand and yell,
Actually having something to yell about.
No longer having to fear coming up one moment shy of happiness.
But it seemed the pots got smaller and smaller with every passing Saturday.
I was spending more than I was coming away with,
More time. More energy. More of myself.
Finding my number hadn’t come up at all.
I threw him back in the bin,
Knowing he had the desire to be just the number
Someone else would need to complete their four corners.
There is something significant about not having another.

O61
Tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I am one away.
I find myself wishing I could keep this feeling,
Not being a winner or a loser,
But greatly anticipating what will happen next.
Going through life on the edge of my seat,
Instead of letting it pass over me…
N31…

BINGO!!

Cards are cleared
Some magnetically, some by hand.
All take a moment to recognize that there are others around
And refill their now-empty coffee cups.
A five-minute stretch and knuckle cracking is had,
And then we’re back in the thick of it
Placing my lucky yellow bean on the free space.
I move to the edge of my seat and
Wait for my number to come up.

Here is a link to the results for the Senior Send-Off’s 2011 issue!
http://theindependentnewspaper.org/?p=222
Here is a link to the PDF Version of the newspaper: Link
Thanks
Hope you enjoy,
Joe

Click the following link to submit your info: http://goo.gl/3nreQ
Thanks

Below is a great piece written by Joshua Newland, our own Memorial Art teacher! Enjoy!

Memoirs of a Tube Sock
by Joshua Newland

Narrator: Lambchop…iconic children’s television personality, role model, and…Hollywood harlot? Born Michael Sonham Hurowitz. His was a rise from humble beginnings, growing up in a sock drawer in upstate New York. Shari Lewis, Lambchop’s ventriloquist and former partner reports that at an early age, Michael began to question his sexual identity.
Shari: The poor kid was surrounded by conservative. He never identified as argyle or even nylon. No, I remember one time running into her in the dressing room. Apparently she met some goat on Captain Kangaroo and they hit it off. But when things started getting serious, it was only a matter of time before he realized that she wasn’t exactly what he’d expected. Let’s just say, he found more than a puppeteer’s arm down there.

Narrator: By the tender age of 13, Hurowitz had realized that he was a sheep trapped in a tube sock’s body. And on one fateful night of August in 1955, he spent his meager savings on a name change and a back alley seamstress. And by morning, a crude job of sewing had turned he to a sheep and wool knit into lamb chop.

Shari: We worked together so much that the attraction was simply inevitable, I think. She was just so charming, idealistic and what a body! To say we had a fling would have been an understatement.

Narrator: But sordid girl-on-sock action was only scratching at the surface. In the summer of ’68, authorities were returning to Lambchop’s apartment nightly to quell reports of domestic abuse. Lambchop, herself, currently housed in the rehab facility of the Betty Ford Center.

Lambchop: I thought she was cheating on me, so one night I come home and I ask. How many others you got your hand up? And you know what she did? She threw my Emmy at me. I just gotta say, is this the camera that’s on? Never, get involved with your co-workers!

Narrator: A tortured soul, Lambchop was always trying to find herself, and often at the bottom of a bottle of scotch.
Tonight, we’ve caught glimpse into the alleys of Sesame Street and even watched as a talking sock exposed her inner demons. But if this has taught us anything, it’s that our heroes, even those from our childhood, are not above temptation. That the rich and successful, those who soar the highest, only have further to fall. Thank you for watching Beneath the Puppet Stand.

As the government weeds out teachers,
the teachers give out weed

By Max E Pad

For years, education and drugs did not mix, except for in the occasional health class. The only pot to be found in a high school would be in the Home Ec room. There might be cracks in the ceiling, but crack wouldn’t be readily available. Times have changed. Due to a lack of funding, a radical new education curriculum is being tested at James Madison Memorial High School in Madison, WI. With millions of dollars in education cuts proposed by the Wisconsin state government, educators at Memorial have found a way to supplement their budgets. A cookie dough fundraiser it ain’t.

Bruce Dahmen, the principle at Memorial, is the first in the country to introduce a curriculum he named “The Four D Approach.” Those D’s: Diligence, Determination, Discipline, and Drugs. This new approach of adding illicit drugs to many of the school’s programs is proposed to create the income needed to continue Memorial’s academic excellence. In place of the typical coffee and gum sold at the school store, dispensaries of various drugs will be sold in various forms. Marijuana vending machines dispense joints, bowls, and brownies. Upperclassmen can purchase tabs of LSD with Memorial’s signature Spartan logo printed on it. “Ecstasy of Academic Excellence” is one of the most popular items at the store.

Classes at Memorial have been mind-altered as well. School choirs, thanks to an endorsement from the Mexican drug cartels, now sing songs such as “Hookas and Glassy Eyes,” “Las drogas son bonitas,” and “Hashishlujah.” A new economics class examines the drug market and uses Memorial itself as a microcosmic example of the impact drugs have on the world’s economy. Mr. Fields, a social studies teacher, offers a class about the history of drugs, which examines the illicit drug trade from the Chinese Opium Wars to the present. “I believe that drugs need to be addressed in today’s education system, and what better way than through a lucrative, hands-on, thoroughly educational approach?” asks Fields.

One of the most popular classes now being offered at Memorial is “Stoner Philosophy,” where students examine pertinent questions like “Why does my mouth feel so big?” “How come the world is so, like, woah?” and “Am I a glass of orange juice?” Another popular course, taught by Chris Vander Ark, analyzes the rhetorical strategies surrounding the media’s coverage of the drug market. “This is important,” Vander Ark states.

The economic impact of the Four D Approach is profound. Memorial has increased its income from the dealing of drugs so much so, that a new C wing is being added onto the school, which will house a state-of-the-art meth lab, a greenhouse, and munchies bar. Superintendent Dan Nerad, who has refused to comment on Bruce Dahmen’s new initiative, is rumored to be planning an implementation of the Four D Approach throughout all Madison schools. Despite budget cuts, it seems to be high times for Madison schools.

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By Walter Sobchak

Among Governor Walker’s efforts to reform Wisconsin’s statutes to better represent the ideals of our nation’s forefathers, his most recent has been met with great noise on both sides of aisle. Similar to the voucher system rewarding Americans for the scalps of Native Americans, Governor Walker’s plan would reward Wisconsinites $500 per deceased “public enemy”.  He claims that the program would “create jobs, grow the economy, and fix the budget while repairing societal flaws.” According to Walker, such “flaws” would include homeless, poor people, and environmentalists.

The governor addressed the program in a statement calling for “social spring cleansing in addition to budget repair.” His hope is by removing these “useless  parts” of society, the budget problems would be completely ameliorated.

The Tea Party has championed Walker as a revolutionary for introducing “a final solution to the budget deficit in Wisconsin.” Former Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin enthusiastically tweeted, “Go get em Scotty!” Likewise, Rush Limbaugh (R) expressed pleasure upon hearing of the legislation, but believed the legislation is far too lax to be effective. In a letter to Governor Walker, Limbaugh urged Walker to include “Blacks, Hispanics, homosexuals, Jews, and all those other kind of ‘people’ ” to the program.

While the legality of the program may be in question, Walker and his associates feel confident that they will be able to launch the program regardless.

Alan Farnsworth: Hmmm, I’d have to see more photos.

Cindy Kellor, AP Biology Teacher: Most animals do, at least once in their lifetime.

Stan the man of Security: I catch them in the act daily.

Bruce Dahmen: I don’t condone sex in a school environment, not the memorial way.

5 minutes later

Make good decisions.

Freshman Boy: Dude, thats wizard.

The April Fools 2011 Independent, The Inconsistent is now available for public consumption. Check it out here

Comments and questions are always welcome

Here is a link to where you can work on it and solve it interactively: Link

And here is a link to the answers: Link